Me in a nutshell

3:01pm: What is the problem with people?
Why do people constantly think that, although you are their friend, they can just completely drain you of all energy and optimism constantly because they have an emotional problem? Yes, I understand that friends are supposed to be there for each other. They are supposed to be there to listen and give advice and whatnot. But, when it comes to the point that when you are there to listen day after day, and the story hasn't changed after more than a year's time about how they are hurt, what the fuck is there to say? NOTHING!!!

I'm not that kind of person. I like to handle my feelings and emotions on my own. And, where I will definitely be there for someone, I'm not going to handle someone else's emotions for them. Maybe someone else will. I expect to you to come to me and talk to me about things that are bothering you. But when it comes to how you feel about something -- be it anger, content, etc., deal with that on your own; you're supposed to.

Friends are there to share the happiness and joy. Not to transfer the anger or sadness onto them so you can feel better. Friends shouldn't have to change something for someone else to make you happy. You shouldn't have to change something for your friends to make them happy.

FRUSTRATION AT IT'S FINEST!!!

9:06pm: Missing piece of the puzzle...and people never change.
When I think back on everything I have been through in the past two years, since I moved to Columbus, it puts me in awe to think of things I've overcome and then things I've endured. From being broke beyong belief and moving to a new city with someone I've known for 6 months, who ended up getting addicted to crystal methamphetamines, to being still broke and living with retired, parents of a friend, to finally finding a stable job and making a good income and moving to the apartment of my dreams with a good friend who really cares about people and buying a brand new car. However, there is one thing missing: The one I learned to be my true soul mate.

Since the first time I laid eyes on him, I was hooked. The more I got to know about him, the more I was addicted. He broke my heart once, and on time went. He got his heart broken, and on time went. I thought that with time comes change, and it seemed that way for a while. I thought he really understood the unconditional, deep and undying love for him, and I still think he does. But, I don't think he wants it anymore.

I think I was just had again. It is complete deja vous. I can't say I can't believe I fell for it again because I really felt in my heart that he wouldn't...no, that he couldn't hurt me again. I am sincerely ready to start a very long lasting relationship with him. I will never understand why things didn't work out...

The funny thing is - I'm not mad. I'm not even frustrated. It is my fault this time. I set myself up. I guess the fact is, people really never change. But, you know what? I know I would go through everything again fifty more times just to be able to lay next to him and feel him breath on my arm while I hold him as he sleeps. I had the best times of my life with him. And those best times of my life were either cuddling on the couch with him or holding him in his bed. I just wish he could feel a micro fraction of how I feel about him, because if that would happen, he wouldn't have a doubt that he could be strong enough to keep me in his heart even though we are 280 miles apart.

TLW - I love you with every cell of my body, every wave of my soul, and every second of everyday. That will never end, and I know that you can feel that.

4:42pm: Just sitting here.
I'm exhausted and lying in bed. It feels so good to rest your body when mental fatigue sets in. Now, don't get me wrong. I sit in a chair and talk on the phone all day long, but chatting with old people complaining about shit all day is mentally tiring. So, I'm just lying in my bed with my fountain running and listening to movie soundtracks and relaxing.

You know what? I just realized something today. Nowadays, people use an excuse a lot that I'm getting VERY tired of hearing. It's so annoying and it's getting really old. The excuse that I'm talking about goes a little something like this; "I'm busy."
Is there anything in the world that drives me more nuts than hearing that fucking phrase? I don't think so. Why do people say they are constantly busy? Why don't they really say what is on their mind? "I don't want to" or "I don't feel like it." If I ask to do something, or ask to plan something, don't tell me, "Well, I don't know what I'm doing that weekend." If you don't know, then that means that you have nothing planned. So plan something. If you want to rest, then say you don't want to do it. Just tell me the truth. I fucking HATE beating around the bush. Just don't lie. I would rather hear you say that you don't want to do something with me than saying that you are busy during the alotted time, and then I see you out at the same place I went with someone else. Does anyone get that or understand that?

Jesus Christ! I don't know what I'm making such a big deal about this. It doesn't really effect me much, or happen that often, but it's just annoying.

Anyways, off to bed so I can get up early and take one of the cats to get declawed in the morning. Goodnight!

4:49am: I'm such a faggot
only you can rebulid my heart..only you can make me feel....but you wont let me in...and i wont let yuo out...where is the common balance where did our love go...where did your smiles go that were just for me..where did your caring go that was just for me....mine is still here waiting for you to. take it...you broke my final strand of innocence and only you can give it back.....betrayel hate greed selfishness....maybe that is how you love...so why is my heart still yours and what will you do with it so much power to one person is dangerous......i guess ill learn the hard way.....i guess youll see the spell you have over me...dont you see me losing life and love and perspective....when the game is over i think my heart will be ruined and unfixable.....and you will take me there..how do i open your eyes to the truth about love...how do i describe the only way to peace is a second chance just like a switch the anger will go the sarcasm willl fade the hurt will heal..but your to far gone you only turn your head insted of turning back....i will know true love when true love loves back..im ruined im bent im broken and u dane to care...

I just copied and pasted those lyrics from one of my friends away messages. While I was reading them, they really hit home. Those lyrics are very applicable to my situation right now. I just wish I could be done being played around with. Saying, "life isn't fair" isn't an excuse. I just wish I could be your everything. I'm off to work.

11:33pm: Until death do we part...
I attended a funeral today. I knew the family well. The funeral brought back sad memories, emotions, and difficulties from which I had spent four years trying to move on. Family members and past friends came to bid their faithfully temporary farewell. Standing and watching the crowd, I observed grief in a whole new perspective. A marriage of 45 years had come to a sudden and turbulent landing. They were truly soul mates. We all strive to find that one person in our lives that calls us their own. Someone with whom we can share our happiness, triumphs, faults, frustrations, anxiety, and sadness. Someone we recognize as soul mates.

Realizing this during my observation, I tried to comprehend the anguish and sorrow this widow must be feeling, and then it dawned on me; I'm pretty sure I have found that someone. I can't begin to explain the feelings I started to have once I put myself in her position. I felt so lost, alone, and most of all, heart-broken. But realizing the time that the couple had spent together was an investment for the spirit of the relationship. They grew old together. To me, that is the most amazing thing in the world.

I had to distance myself from the widow during the funeral and the viewing. The sympathetic emotional vibrations were so strong. I was able to cope with the grief of losing an amazingly accepting and loving person, but the bombardment of the surrounding crowd's pain was overwhelmingly inundating; combining with the thought of losing the most amazing person that I know, the person that owns my heart, well, was the most awesome and frightening experience of my life.

To that person, you know who you are:

I love you so much. I know I am always going to love you. Unconditionally. Forever. I think about you everyday uncontrollably, if I want to or not. I can't wait until the day comes that we are together.

1:37am: Celestine Prophecy
About a year ago, I read a book titled "The Celestine Prophecy" by James Redfield. This book was an eyeopener and definitely helped me find my spiritual belief. I just rented the movie tonight and gained more understanding about how I feel as a spiritual being. I recommend both forms of media. James Redfield is definitely a pioneer in bringing this way of thinking to people. It's not a forced way of thinking; accept it if you want, or don't. It is based on these principles:

THE FIRST INSIGHT . . . A CRITICAL MASS
A new spiritual awakening is occurring in human culture, an awakening brought about by a critical mass of individuals who experience their lives as a spiritual unfolding, a journey in which we are led forward by mysterious coincidences.


THE SECOND INSIGHT . . . THE LONGER NOW
This awakening represents the creation of a new, more complete worldview, which replaces a five-hundred-year-old preoccupation with secular survival and comfort. While this technological preoccupation was an important step, our awakening to life's coincidences is opening us up to the real purpose of human life on this planet, and the real nature of our universe.


THE THIRD INSIGHT . . . A MATTER OF ENERGY
We now experience that we live not in a material universe, but in a universe of dynamic energy. Everything extant is a field of sacred energy that we can sense and intuit. Moreover, we humans can project our energy by focusing our attention in the desired direction...where attention goes, energy flows...influencing other energy systems and increasing the pace of coincidences in our lives.


THE FOURTH INSIGHT . . . THE STRUGGLE FOR POWER
Too often humans cut themselves off from the greater source of this energy and so feel weak and insecure. To gain energy we tend to manipulate or force others to give us attention and thus energy. When we successfully dominate others in this way, we feel more powerful, but they are left weakened and often fight back. Competition for scarce, human energy is the cause of all conflict between people.


THE FIFTH INSIGHT . . . THE MESSAGE OF THE MYSTICS
Insecurity and violence ends when we experience an inner connection with divine energy within, a connection described by mystics of all traditions. A sense of lightness--buoyancy--along with the constant sensation of love are measures of this connection. If these measures are present, the connection is real. If not, it is only pretended.


THE SIXTH INSIGHT . . . CLEARING THE PAST
The more we stay connected, the more we are acutely aware of those times when we lose connection, usually when we are under stress. In these times, we can see our own particular way of stealing energy from others. Once our manipulations are brought to personal awareness, our connection becomes more constant and we can discover our own growth path in life, and our spiritual mission--the personal way we can contribute to the world.


THE SEVENTH INSIGHT . . . ENGAGING THE FLOW
Knowing our personal mission further enhances the flow of mysterious coincidences as we are guided toward our destinies. First we have a question; then dreams, daydreams, and intuitions lead us towards the answers, which usually are synchronistically provided by the wisdom of another human being.


THE EIGHTH INSIGHT . . . THE INTERPERSONAL ETHIC
We can increase the frequency of guiding coincidences by uplifting every person that comes into our lives. Care must be taken not to lose our inner connection in romantic relationships. Uplifting others is especially effective in groups where each member can feel energy of all the others. With children it is extremely important for their early security and growth. By seeing the beauty in every face, we lift others into their wisest self, and increase the chances of hearing a synchronistic message.


THE NINTH INSIGHT . . .THE EMERGING CULTURE
As we all evolve toward the best completion of our spiritual missions, the technological means of survival will be fully automated as humans focus instead on synchronistic growth. Such growth will move humans into higher energy states, ultimately transforming our bodies into spiritual form and uniting this dimension of existence with the after-life dimension, ending the cycle of birth and death.


THE TENTH INSIGHT . . . HOLDING THE VISION
The Tenth Insight is the realization that throughout history human beings have been unconsciously struggling to implement this lived spirituality on Earth. Each of us comes here on assignment, and as we pull this understanding into consciousness, we can remember a fuller birth vision of what we wanted to accomplish with our lives. Further we can remember a common world vision of how we will all work together to create a new spiritual culture. We know that our challenge is to hold this vision with intention and prayer everyday.


THE ELEVENTH INSIGHT . . . EXTENDING PRAYER FIELDS
The Eleventh Insight is the precise method through which we hold the vision. For centuries, religious scriptures, poems, and philosophies have pointed to a latent power of mind within all of us that mysteriously helps to affect what occurs in the future. It has been called faith power, positive thinking, and the power of prayer. We are now taking this power seriously enough to bring a fuller knowledge of it into public awareness. We are finding that this prayer power is a field of intention, which moves out from us and can be extended and strengthened, especially when we connect with others in a common vision. This is the power through which we hold the vision of a spiritual world and build the energy in ourselves and in others to make this vision a reality.

Mr. Redfield is still in the process of publishing more of his ideas and is still in the means of adding to these principles. THIS IS NOT A RELIGION...so people, I do not want to hear about your bullshit about not caring about religion, or that it's stupid, or that it's just governments way of controlling the people. I don't care. I'm not a Christian, so don't take this journal entry as a way of pressing Christianity on anyone. I'm not pressing anything on anyone for that matter; I'm just informing people about this eye-opening publication and it's ideas. If you don't care, then why did you continue to read it to this point. What I'm saying is, "CHECK IT OUT!!!" What do you have to lose? Keep in mind: It's about spiritual growth and it's ideas can be adapted to any way of thinking or belief.

8:13am: Don't know what's going on...
Have you ever felt like you have no clue what is going to happen next? I hate that feeling. For being someone who likes to have control over everything, I am panicking at this point. I have a lot of goals that I would like to accomplish by the end of this year, but I still feel like I need to get my priorities in order. My number one priority is money management. I need to find different ways to spend less and to save more. I would like to be able to have something held back for when I have emergencies. Right now, my habits are not going to let me do that. My habit is compulsive buying. It got me into a lot of debt from which I am still recovering. I have most of it paid off which makes me more happy than anything else in the world, but I lost something that I will never get back while I was catching up -- my social life. I still talk to some people and go out occasionally still, but there is one person that I need to see more than 48 hours every two weeks (you know who you are). I am on my way to being able to come up there whenever I feel like it. I bought my own new car, I finally live in my dream apartment in downtown Columbus, and I'm pretty sure that my connection with this person is rekindled. However, my goals by the end of the year that I would like to accomplish are:
1. Makes more money than I did last year,
2. Be with someone that is emotionally compatible with me,
3. Regain my social life,
4. Find myself again,
5. Revampish my wardrobe, and
6. Climb the corporate ladder at least one wrung.

I am so thankful with some of the things that I went through last year, though for the minute I hated it while it was happening. I am a better person in a better position right now to start taking control of my life again. I finally feel successful and know that I am going to continue to grow economically and emotionally. That being said, I need to start brainstorming on how I am going to reach these goals efficiently and fast.

If anybody has any ideas, please let me know!!!

11:37pm: I'm finally coming out...
I never really got comfortably and emotionally close with my mom. I had always wanted to let her know the real me. I love her more than she knew because I really did treat her horribly. I know she tried to rear me the best she could -- I like to think she did a good job. I never really let her know it. I had so many things to tell her, so many things to show her, so many experiences that a son wanted to share with her. Being a gay son, she being unaware, at least she seemed that way, I think I as well as most gay sons that the bond that a mother and her gay son share is stronger than your average mother-son relationship.

Her life came to a very early end. I was a senior in high school, sitting in first period class, when I got a message from the guidance counselor's student aid:

"Bryan, Dr. Cox needs to see you immediately."

I was excused from class in full confidence that I knew what I was about to be told. My mother had been in the ICU of Grant Medical Center for about 2 weeks already. My guy instantly grew into knots -- of regret, of anger, of sorrow, of grief, of loneliness. My rapidly pulsing heart and exstatic diaphragm conjugated to form a lump in my throat. My breathing was growing faster as I advanced closer to the office.
When I turned the corner from one hallway to the one in which the guidance office was located, I made eye contact with my sister. I knew exactly what was going to be said.

"Bryan, we recieved a phone call from your dad that he needs you to meet him."

I called him immediately. The fear and brokenheartedness in his voice made the hairs on the back of my neck stand up.

"Bryan, it's not looking too good. The doctor's have asked her whole family to come to the hospital."

I raced to meet him. When I arrived at the carpooling parking lot, some of my aunts and uncles and cousins were there to greet me as well. We drove to the hospital. When we finally returned, we went to the elevator, went up to the fourth floor, and stepped out into the ICU. As soon as I saw the doctors, nurses, and technicians hovering around the open door to my mother's room, my heart sank. I thought I had prepared myself to keep my composure. I needed to keep my composure for my family's sake. I felt as if I was supposed to be the mental and emotional foundation of what was about to be the worst few hours of my life. With each step I got, my emotional walls grew weaker, eventually giving way to fountains of tears and bellows of mourn. I saw my granmother and a few other of my aunts and uncles -- that of which were not crying. As I made eye contact with each of them, they forfeited to the grief pounding to come out. We all cried as we stood with each other for an hour or so -- we were all preparing to part with possibly one of the most amazing women I have ever met.

I didn't want to let go. I knew that I was being selfish. It's just not right that someone with the heart that she had needed to leave her loved ones so early. I swallowed my selfishness. We all started to whisper into her ear. It was finally my turn. I grasped her hand, reached up to her ear, and cried:

"I love you so much, Mom. I know you know. I'm sorry for everything...I'm so sorry."

I kissed her on her forehead. I couldn't part my hand from hers. It was finally my dad's turn. I had to leave the room. I don't know if he said anything, but when I came back in, he was holding her hand in both of his. After about thirty minutes, he stood up, enveloped her face in his hands, and kissed her lips. This was the most ultimate symbol of saying goodbye for the last time I have ever seen.

When he let go, the nurse reached over for a syringe laying on the table beside her bed. There were a few of them. She assured us that she would not be in pain but that she would part peacefully. I grabbed her hand one last time as the nurse inserted the solution into the intervenous line. I stared at the vital monitor. I watched as her blood pressure and pulse rate slowed immediately. The pulse seemed to stop lowering around 30 beats per minute, and then sped up a little. My eyes grew big in hope that she would squeeze my hand and open her eyes. It never happened. Around 1:15 pm on April 7th, 2004, my mother was pronounced dead by natural causes. She had brain cancer.

This is the first time I have ever really fully accounted for the day of events that day -- I feel better, but I know that the way I treated her when she was alive and giving me everything I needed was completely uncalled for. We did share our good moments and that is all I should really grasp onto. I know that I need to stop regreting the past and cherish the future.

A couple of days ago, I was drinking at a friend's house. One drink turned into two drinks into more and more. I started to act like an ass as all drunk people do. What I didn't know was that this last time that I was drunk would be consequential. After returning home and settling in for the night, I felt sick. I had my roommate get me a glass of water thinking that all I needed to do was puke. What I didn't realize that I wasn't going to get physically sick, but that I was about to get emotionally and psychologically sick. Finally, after three years of pent up stress, frustration, depression, grief, love, and other unexpressed emotions, my mind and heart said, "NO MORE!!!"

I snapped. I went on a violent rampage denting walls breaking windows and hurting my roommate. I spent three nights in jail -- those three nights easily ranked at being the second more difficult days of my life. I know that what I did was wrong, but I do not regret what happened. I needed to go to jail, I needed to get all of that rage out of my system. I needed to let myself know that I can't do everything on my own. I need to ask for help. Never in my life will I will I cease to try staying sober completely. Alcohol is my number one enemy. I will conquer it -- I will be happy again. I will seek help when I need it.

Right now I need it -- and right now I will get it. I will stop hurting people with words or actions just because I keep my feelings inside. I will start to express my emotions more freely whether people like it or not. Life is too short to live unhappily. Anything that gets the way of making that possible for me will be overcome -- I promise that to myself.

I still have a lot of work to fully process all of my bottled up emotions, but I know it will be soon that I get to set them free. I know I have scared a few people with this episode, and for that I am infinitely sorry. For that special someone that owns my heart, I will be okay. I will make it and I will show you that :)

I LOVE YOU AND I ALWAYS WILL

8:03am: Fighting to survive
I have an enemy -- Alcohol. I never really understood alcoholism completely, but I'm pretty sure I have a good handle on the idea now. Everyone knows that alcohol is okay in moderation, but I'm beginning to think that there is nothing worse.
My heart belongs to someone. There is nothing that I want more than to be with this person for a very long time. I think I ruined that last night.

Of course I was drinking, stupid I know. See...here's the thing -- I'm head over heels in love with this kid. I think I came a little too strong expressing the way that I feel about him. I'm expecting way too much of him. I feel so vulnerable right now. I'm going back to bed...when I think of more and better ways to express what I'm thinking/feeling, I will update this entry...


later :(

7:53pm: i am an alcoholic...i guess the first step is accomplished
St. Patrick's day started out to be great. I went out for drinks and I drank a lot. I got to see all of my friends, well most of them. When I arrived at Sandy's, I started to drink more. I don't remember who was all there. I only remember Jessica, Thomas, Garrick, and Justin, and Jamie. I ended up chugging a couple of beers and a bottle of wine. After the wine, I don't remember shit. I guess I tried to kiss everyone at the party. Who knows. Then, I went upstairs and one of my best friends came up with me. I don't know what we talked about or what I did, but he's mad at me, and I think that this time it's for good. I miss him already and I just wish he would tell me what the fuck I did.
I swear on my life I don't remember a damn thing. I just want closure on the matter I guess. I think if someone is going to be mad at me and cut me out of their lives, then I should at least know why...(please talk to me!!!)

I guess that's all I have to say for now. I don't know what will happen, but I do know that I'm not drinking Jack Daniels ever again. I punched a whole in an old house where my friend Sandy lives. Thank god Jamie knew how to fix it. Well, journal, wish me luck. I feel I'm going to need it. I think I'm done going out for a while. I'm just going to leave people alone from now on. I'm such an idiot. Thank you Jess for always being there to support me and help me through everything!!!

7:07am: Have you ever had a crush on someone or liked someone a lot for a while and then wondered, "What in the FUCK was I thinking?" Just wondering...

Well, I have math today and I didn't get my take home quiz done yet, so, I'm going to finish that. Then after math Jessica and I are going to go to the gym, and, I don't know about her but, I'm going to work my ass off. I WILL be irresistable.

I can't wait to get the abs of my dreams. Thank God I have today off! I hate ZLB! Thanks! :-D

10:24pm: RAWR!!!
Have you ever wanted to slap the shit out of someone because you can't get something through to them?
Damn it!!! I'm feeling that way right now. I'm hoping I get WASTED tomorrow night. I will drink accordingly. Ugh, Columbus...watch out! lol

12:58pm: I don't understand...
I think this is the season of broken hearts and shattered dreams, low self-esteem and high chance of no happiness. Why can't I just have what I want?

I moved to Columbus on December 2nd, 2005. I worked at Gap, Tuttle Mall. I quit there in February and started working at ZLB Plasma Services in March. I have no been there for nine months with is wierd because it seems like I've only been there for a few weeks. Time keeps going faster the older I get. It's starting to scare me. I feel like I'm on an unset schedule.

I'm tired of being alone. I want to be with someone. I wanna spoil the fuck out of someone and love them. I wanna have mind-blowing sex and wake up to make breakfast in bed for him. I wanna make him feel good about himself and help him achieve what he wants. I want to be his best friend. He's already on my mind 24/7. I think the only thing holding me back from getting what I want is me.

I guess it's the fact that I'm clearly not good enough. I know when we first started hanging out or whatever, he said I was cute. It COULD be my personality, but everyone loves me, so it might not be that. I've have changed the way I am around him to cater to what he wants, but STILL nothing.

I just don't get it...I don't know why, but I just feel that there is something there that I'm SUPPOSED to go after. I can't explain what I'm talking about. It's really wierd. Maybe I'm just crushing. Maybe I'm just thinking myself into a corner. I wanna think we have a great time together, but come to think of it, we don't really hang out. I want to know everything about him, and he does let me know a lot about him, I just wish it was along the lines of non-hesitancy. I don't know, maybe I'm just a little bitch and I don't deserve him. He is really great though...

2:48am: Changing for the better...
I hate the way I am!!! I love being around people and I love to joke A LOT...but I think I'm just going to focus on spending time with people that I care about the most from now on and really listening to them and taking every moment in. I think I might take my friends for granted sometimes.

I know sometimes that I come off the wrong way, and I have HUGE AND SUDDEN mood swings, but I'm about to change that without medicine. I know I can do it. I just need positive reinforcement and love from my friends.

I know I have problems, and not that you know this already, but, joking about them openly in front of other people makes me feel really uncomfortable and honestly quite embarrassed/uncontrolled/helpless/mad/retarded/and untaken.

I'm sorry about how I treat some people, but sometimes I let my Irish frustration get the best of me. I love you guys a lot and I would NEVER do anything intentionally to hurt either of you.

That's all that I have on my mind.

Sincerely,
Bryan

2:53am: I don't know what to write...
Everything is crashing down on me. I feel psycho!!! I'm scared to let myself open up to people. It makes me vulnerable. I am going to tell the two people, both whom I think are my closest friends, what I have been feeling for the past few months. I am so scared of what they are going to think/how they might react to what I am going to tell them. I do need some serious help. I know that. I think my head is getting worse and worse everyday. I don't want to hurt anybody.

I know that I have been showing my ass lately. I think it's an unconscious defense mechanism. I don't like it. I'm not happy with how I treat people. I really try to be caring all the time, but sometimes I feel that people bitch about petty things going on in their lives when things could be much worse. I do it too, hell, we all do it, however,...nevermind...

The reason I have been changing lately is because I feel that people are walking all over me. It is getting old. I will not stop doing things to help the people that I care about, but I don't know how to politely get the point across to those people that do walk all over me that I'm tired of it.

Another thing is that I'm starting to really care for someone a lot! I doubt they know it, but there is soooo many things I want to tell that person. I know that it isn't a mutual feeling. I know that I'm way ahead of myself. I know that that person isn't ready for a relationship, or to settle down for that matter, but DAMN I think I would do anything for them. It makes me happy when I see their smile, when I help them do something, when I see them frustrated and they look helpless...There are so many things that I could go on and on and on. I know that I'm DEFINITELY not on that person's level, but I guess that's what dreams are for.

Well, I guess that's it for today. I just wanted to vent some stuff and prepare for what I have to say tomorrow. To those two closest friend...I LOVE YOU GUYS SO MUCH. REALLY I DO!!! I HOPE YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND WHAT I WILL BE SAYING TO YOU GUYS TOMORROW!!! It might not be as bad as it sounds in my head. I could be overreacting, but I just wanted to share it with you guys because it scares me a lot.

3:14pm: 17 sign of really having feeling for someone
SEVENTEEN:

U LOOK AT THEIR PROFILE/PICTURE CONSTANTLY



SIXTEEN:

WHEN YOUR ON THE PHONE WITH THEM LATE AT NIGHT AND THEY HANG UP, YOU STILL MISS THEM EVEN WHEN IT WAS JUST TWO MINUTES AGO.



FIFTEEN:

YOU READ THEIR TEXTS or IMS OVER AND OVER AGAIN.



FOURTEEN:

YOU WALK REALLY SLOW WHEN YOU'RE WITH THEM



THIRTEEN:

YOU FEEL SHY WHENEVER YOU'RE/THEY'RE AROUND.



ELEVEN:

WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM, YOUR HEART BEATS FASTER AND SLOWER AT THE SAME TIME



TEN:

YOU SMILE WHEN YOU HEAR THEIR VOICE.



NINE:

WHEN YOU lOOK AT THEM, YOU CAN'T SEE THE OTHER PEOPLE AROUND YOU, All YOU SEE IS HIM//HER.



EIGHT:

YOU START LISTENING TO SLOW SONGS, WHILE THINKING OF THEM



SEVEN:

THEY'RE ALL YOU THINK ABOUT.



SIX:

YOU GET HIGH JUST FROM THEIR SCENT.



FIVE:

YOU REALlIZE THAT YOU'RE AlWAYS SMILING TO YOURSELF WHEN YOU THINK ABOUT THEM.



FOUR:

YOU WOULD DO ANYTHING FOR THEM, OR ANYTHING TO SEE THEM.



THREE:

WHILE READING THIS, THERE WAS ONE PERSON ON YOUR MIND THE WHOLE TIME...



TWO:

You were so busy thinking about that person, you didnt notice number twelve.



ONE:

You just scrolled up to check & are now silentely laughing at yourself.


NOW MAKE A WiSH. YOU KNOW YOU WANT TO.......



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POST THIS AS: "17 signs of really havin feelings for someone"
*AND SOMETHING GOOD WILL HAPPEN TO YOU TONIGHT

5:10am: I'm so fucking tired of dealing with people. I really want to be nice and accepting to everyone.

I literally screamed the whole way home from work today in my car. I still feel like I'm going to explode. I am so completely fucking filled with anger right now. I'm tired of fucking assholes, drama queens, fake bastards, etc. Why does everyone have to be in a rush to be somewhere. Just fucking cherish relaxation.

I want to be with someone right now, but I think that it is just best to fucking leave it alone. If it's supposed to happen then it will happen. I'm still trying to get my life back on track. I need my mom. She always fixed everything and I miss her so much.

I know one of these days I'm going to snap. I can feel it already. I can't take all this bullshit life has to offer. I just wish for once someone would come and sweep me away, or let me sweep them away and forget about everything. I'm tired of striving for shit.

This has to be the most scatter-brained journal entry ever. I'm trying to write some music right now, but my mind is drawing a blank. Maybe music just isn't my thing. I'm tired of being mediocre at a lot of stuff instead of great at just one thing. I'm tired of being invisible, but I love to give others the stagelight. I guess I can't have my cake and eat it too. I wish I had someone I could spoil. I know who I want to spoil, I know who I will spoil in the future I mean ;-) I can't wait to be on track once again with my life and actually feel worthy of living. I know that sounds melodramatic, but it's how I feel. I'm writing this for everyone to read it, I'm writing this to get some shit out that I've been holding in for a while. I don't think people understand the meaning of friendship. Most people anyways. I have a friend that I KNOW I could tell everything and anything to and she would not judge me in any way. She may giggle a little, but she would never tell me that it's stupid or anything. I'm the same way with her. I love her to death and I hope we are lifelong friends. I have another friend with whom I feel I'm getting closer to, and I'm really excited that I'm getting the chance to know him better. I still don't think he tells me a lot of stuff that he would tell his closest friend, but I just hopes that he knows he can trust me. I definitely trust him.

I'm tired of a lot of things: Having a lot of genuine love and having nobody to give it/express it to, not being able to come home to my special someone and be completely spontaneous with, not being able to cuddle at night and spoon while I sleep, not being able to fucking LOVE someone basically...yeah the last one sums it all up.

I know that true will find a way, but I'm ready to start establishing my life. I don't want to do it when it's too late. I want to get done with my schooling, start my career, start my family, and live happily ever after.

I can't wait until I'm a dad. I love to have fun with kids. I think I would be a great dad. I want two boys and two girls. With the girls, I can help them with all of their boys problems like a normal father, but also be the protector. With the boys, I can teach them to do man things like fish, play catch, go four wheeler - ing, etc. I just can't wait. I don't want to start all of that after it's too late. I still want to be able to ride the roller coasters with them. I don't want to stand and wait for them to get off because I couldn't ride due to a heart problem, or because or some other health defect.

I know this is a long journal entry for me, but I had to get a lot of stuff out. Thank god!

Expect more from when I discover some more...I need to do this more often.

Peace and love,
Bryan

4:47am: Go figure...
Well, someone OBVIOUSLY read a journal entry from a couple of days ago that I left on here. Of course he took things that I said, although I did say them a little harshly, the wrong way. I don't know how to say that I'm over him but I still love him. I mean I don't want to bother him anymore with any of my shit and I know he doesn't want me to either. I kinda thought that by my putting the wording that I used in that entry into that entry, that he would be happy in knowing that I moved on and that I sounded strong in doing so. After that entry, he put in his aim buddy info that,

"I've changed.. for the better"

How am I supposed to take that other than a direct blow. So he pretty much is saying that what he felt before was fake which kind of nullifies the whole relationship I spent with him. To clear things up and while I'm in a clear state of mind, this is to him because I KNOW he will read this:

Tercell,
Never think that I'm not behind you on something even if it has to do with you being with someone else. It's fine. I know that you don't ask for my approval or anything, I was just clarifying me that it doesn't bother me anymore.

There, that's better. He never calls me anymore even though he says that we will be friends. Anyways, I'm done talking because I have to head to work...SHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEET!!! LOL.

Peace and love nukkas,
Bryan

5:28pm: Day 4
I was thinking today about a lot of things. When I first moved to Columbus, I started out knowing nobody at all. Now that I think about how many people I know, I have realized that I have a lot of great and caring friends. My best friends are Jessica and Garrick. Jessica and I keep nothing from each other and Garrick is awesome as hell. I would do anything for both of these them. They are so genuine and I'm so greatful that I have them as friends.

On another note, work is killing me. Corporate came today to do mock-audits because 4 people stuck themselves with dirty needles in the past month. The company's record used to be clean for about 35,000 hours without a stick with a dirty needle, then 4 sticks happen in one month. That is rediculous and it makes me second guess the people with whom I work. Management is killing me as well. The job I do and the stress level with which I deal is not worth the money that I'm being paid. This is the best paying job that I have ever had, so I'm just going to suck it up and take it like a little bitch.

I'm fine with not having anyone in my love life right now. I'm not really looking anymore. I figure if it is supposed to happen, it will happen. It is nothing that I can initiate or force. If something does come along, I will be more than happy to pursue it, but I'm not going to go looking anymore. It's not worth the hurt/pressure/energy. Well, wish me good luck on that.

P&L to all,
Bryan

10:59am: Day 3
Well, my fucking alarm clock didn't wake me up again this morning because it didn't go off. I wanted to wake up at 10, but I naturally woke up at 11. It's okay, though, because I have to go into work at 2...

Today should be interesting at work. I just got signed off on venipuncture a couple of days ago, and I just had two days off. I wonder if I will get my own bay again today. It is really fun and exciting to put a vein in people's arms. It is one of the biggest adrenaline rushes I have ever had.

Well, I'm not going to give an extended entry today because I have to start getting ready for work.

P&L,
Bryan

10:30am: Day 2
Yesterday was interesting. I found out my ex cheated on his current boyfriend. Now don't get my wrong, I'm not too thrilled about his new boyfriend, but I do feel horrible for him having to put up with the bullshit that he is about to go through. His head and heart will be filled with promises that will be broken along with his heart and the relationship will end with my ex being on the recieving end of bad news. Karma is a powerful powerful entity.

I know that I am over my ex now. When I found out that he did cheat on his new boyfriend, he definitely got the point across that he did not change and that he will be changing no time soon. I told him he needs to think of other people before he does anything from now on. I don't know, I kind of felt a relief when I realized that I'm over him. I'm ready to move on to a great person, just not ready for a relationship yet...

Who knows, God be kind to me!

P&L,
Bryan

5:14pm: Introduction to the Rest of My Life
I was thinking a little bit ago that in five years, I will want to look back and reflect on the things I have thought (predictions, thoughts, conclusions, etc.) to see if I was right or wrong about things.

I'm working on developing my intuition and awareness so I will start documentation today.

1. The United States reign of power over the world is about to end like all other empires. I'm not sure who will take over.

2. The only thing I want to say is Jessica and her relationship. Only Garrick will know what I'm talking about on this subject. Latino pending...

3. I will engage in a great general relationship that will grow into a more serious one over a long period of time. I'm not sure with whom it will be or how I will know this person, but it will start to happen soon.

Those are my three predictions for the near future. By near future, I mean in at least one year.

Peace and love to you all!

Bryan

2:47pm: For you I give a lifetime of stability
Anything you want of me, nothing is impossible
For you, there are no words or ways to show my love
Or all the thoughts I'm thinking of
Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one,
I've made a change
Everything I do now, makes sense
All roads end, all I do is for you

For you I share the cup of love that overflows
And anyone who knows us knows
I would change all faults I have,
For you there is no low or high or in between
Of my heart that you haven't seen
Cause I share all I have and am
Nothing I've said's hard to understand
All I feel, I feel deeper still, and always will
All this love is for you

Every note that I play, every word I might say
Every melody I feel
Are only for you and your appeal
Every page that I write, every day of my life
Would not be filled without the things
That my love for you now brings
For you I make the promise of fidelity
Now and for eternity
No one could replace this vow

For you, I'd take your hand, heart, and everything
And add to them a wedding ring
Cause this life is no good alone
Since we've become one you're all I've known
And if this feeling should leave, I'd die
And here's why, all I am is for you
Everything i do now makes sense
All roads end, all I do,
Is for you

Those are probably the most touching lyrics that I have ever witnessed. I hate not being able to tell someone how I feel because I know they don't feel the same. Why can't there be a magic wand that will make things the way I want them. I have an amazing time with him. I NEVER want to give that up. Then again, I don't want to ruin it either. I know that time will help me out, whether it tells me to move on, or it tells him that maybe it's a good thing. I hate when the heart and mind fucks with each other. Everyone else tells me to move on because he likes someone else. He hasn't told me who it was which is surprising because I thought that he tells me a lot of things. I guess that's what I will do then. I'm very fortunate to have him as a friend -- as a GREAT FRIEND.

ugh...